


Just Thoughts

by Ze_Fandoms



Series: Phan One Shots [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Depression, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 10:11:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7753639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ze_Fandoms/pseuds/Ze_Fandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Phil's death, Dan has moved out, not being able to stay at home without having him by his side. Therefore, Dan gets really depressed and homesick. Until one day, he snaps, takes his camera and starts recording.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Thoughts

Dan checked a few times how he looked through the camera lens; “pitiful”, he thought as he snickered lightly, no joy or sarcasm coming from it. A heavy silence soon fell in the room before he let out a long sigh.  
He paused a few seconds before clicking the record button and flopping down on his bed.  
He sighed once again before looking straight at the camera with his hollow eyes.  
Then, he started:

“Hey anyone, which I hope its only me.   
I just need to vent somethings out, like what i am feeling, and thoughts... This could be a great way of expressing myself I guess.” 

He stopped a few seconds, trying to figure out what to say, no, where to start. He had so many thoughts on his mind that his head might have exploded. Therefore, he continued, his voice raspy and drained from any emotion:

“You see, I've not been my best. I've been feeling empty and depressed for a little less than a year now. I thought it was normal at first, i was depressed because... Phil...” He still had troubles talking about him without remembering the great moments they had together,” When he... died... But now, it's been what, 7 months since it happened? And i thought i would be better now. That getting myself away from home would make everything better, but it didn't, it keeps getting worse and worse, and I keep getting pushed further and further towards my limits; and each time I feel like I am going to break, I just stop feeling anything...

“I know I'll never stop missing him, and never stop missing home but...   
Is it normal that I feel so hollow, heavy, sad. Is it normal that I am that antisocial?   
Like, I am not a very social person anyways but I can't bear talking to anyone now. I never really get lonely except in extreme situations where all the affection I thought I didn't need comes back to me in a rush and i just want a hug, a shoulder to cry on. But I don't know why. I don't know why I'm feeling like this while other times I feel completely fine. Some days I'm all happy and smiling, others I'm silent or faking it and i just feel so empty or so full of useless, unexplainable sadness.”

Tears started streaming down his cheeks. A flow of contained feelings and doubts. But even as his vision became blurry and as his lips quivered, he kept going, not even ending his speech to breath.

“I just have my ups and downs but I don't know why. I just want it all to stop. I feel like my energy is being drained from my soul, like my laugh is meaningless like my actions are worthless. And I try, I try so hard to make everyone else happy to try and find some kind of satisfaction out of it. But why? I have so many thoughts going through my head, so many tears on my cheeks yet I feel so ... empty?”

His eyes were filled with pitiful confusion, sorrow and plead yet his voice stayed as monotone and quiet as it could be.

“Should I be feeling anything? Should I not be? I don't know. I'm just tired... So fucking tired. And I don't even know why or because of what. I have a great family, some friends, a roof over my head and even pets now, yet I still get into this confusing state of sorrow and misery with no explanation or purpose? 

“I am not the type to show my emotions to others when it comes to being depressed. I just contain everything inside of me and try to only show of a smile. I swear that i do not feel like this all the time, i swear that I am not always faking that I'm fine. But i cannot promise anyone that I am always truthful when I say that I'm okay. I just can't make others sad. I am tired of seeing people I love break down in front of me, always seeing their exhausted smiles and pale faces. Am I the one to talk though? 

“I am also sick of my attitude recently. I've been bitter and disrespectful and all I did was hurt the ones I care about. And I can't comprehend why I'm like that. I usually never vent my feeling out on people but after containing them inside me and sucking it all up I feel like I'm going to explode. Like I'm a balloon ready to pop at any moment. 

“I recently read a... story about me and Phil... In this phanfic I was...depressed and not admitting it, but the way it was described, how I feel or act about different things... And you could see through his-my eyes the lies. You could hear the thoughts. And... It was exactly how I was feeling... Which got me to wonder... Am I depressed? Am I ill? This question lingered on my mind for so long and now it just keeps coming back at me. I just can't figure out an answer. I realized that if I am not at home on my computer or talking to a friend, my mind keeps coming back to this question. My head keeps getting filled with obscure thoughts, scenarios and questions. Lots of questions. I want to stop this lunatic and ridiculous attitude of mine I want to stop relying on others people's happiness to fulfill mine, I want to stop feeling so confused of myself, my career, my home I just want it all to end.”

He didn't realize that he got up and started yelling until he pulled his hair and paced through the room, just like when Phil was still there. But nobody was here to stop him and comfort him now.

“Please, please please” he whimpered, pleading and crying, “make those feelings disappear. Those unnecessary, useless. senseless, RIDICULOUS feelings. I just want everyone I care about to be happy, i want to stop being so rude and heartless towards my loved ones, I just want everyone to be okay, I want to stop feeling so empty and drained.”

Then everything came to a stop. He brutally fell to his knees and curled up into a ball like a little child scared of the evil monsters of his mind. 

“i just want to feel happy again.   
Please... Somebody... Help me.”

The last sentence came out as a whisper, a silent plead so quiet that he wasn't sure if he had said it aloud.  
He started rocking himself, hands covering his face and tears still pooling down his cheeks.   
But even then, he didn't feel sad or lonely.

His heart simply felt empty.


End file.
